Post by ✮Prince Leo✮ on May 30, 2015 3:28:50 GMT -8
So, for those who haven't heard, over the Twitch livestream I got a message from my brother's cousin saying that he was in town.
I don't really like to talk about my personal life, as far as family/friend/datemate situations go.
But I really need to get this out, and even though I'm the creator of this forum I'm also a person too, and I'd like to be my own person on my own website for a bit.
I have two brothers. No sisters. No other siblings. I didn't grow up with either of them my entire life. I'm now 19 years old, going to be 20 in less than a month. I don't...Feel like an adult. No matter what I say about this people tell me "You're not supposed to feel like an adult" or "Nobody really feels like an adult" or even "Eventually you will." Yeah? So when is that going to happen, huh? I mean I'm nearly 20 years old and I've got chronic baby face that makes me look 12 and I'm supposed to be grateful for that because I look so young? Yeah well I'm not grateful. I'm not. Because I literally look like I'm 12 years old (someone legit asked me if I was 12), nobody takes me seriously. It doesn't matter that I'm an adult. It doesn't matter if I have a state ID that clearly says "Born June 22nd, 1995", I'm still treated like a kid that doesn't know any better. Nobody fucking listens to me. I've tried, time and time again to talk to someone about my brothers. ABOUT ANYTHING REGARDING THIS. But it's like, people are hearing me but aren't listening to me. Lots of kids grow up with no siblings. But do you know what it's like to live your entire life knowing you have two brothers, but being unable to see them? You know how many people take their siblings for granted and wish they never existed? Yeah well I would've been grateful to even know what kind of people my brothers were. I still don't know. I don't fucking know who they are.
They just live so far away and we never have the money to see them. And it's like, "Okay Leo! Tell your mom to save up money!" Because even though I know my dad cares about my brothers, he isn't related to them by blood. We all have different fathers. All three of us have different fathers, and are 6 years apart. 32, 26, 20. That's right, my oldest brother is 32 years old. But every time we try and save money something always happens. About 2 years ago (3 months shy) my dad and I lost our house due to foreclosure. We couldn't...afford to pay the mortgage anymore. My mom still owned the house that my parents had when they were still married, but she wasn't living in it, and offered it to us. So yeah, I've been living in the house I grew up in ever since I was 4 years old playing Pokemon Yellow. Great. Only, wait. It's not. My dad wants to leave, because he's tired of putting up with the fact that my mom isn't taking proper care of her dog. We've been looking after him at this house, because where she lives now doesn't allow pets.
I mean that's not even really a problem but it's just. It's just easier to bitch about the small things so you don't have the deal with why you're really angry. I hate living like this. Sometimes, I have to skip days I can eat because I want to save food that we have so it can last the rest of the month. We're on the borderline of poverty, but the sick fact of it is, my dad can't even apply for foodstamps. Why? Because he makes over $2,500 a month. But you wanna know a secret? The government takes away $700 of it. So, my dad has to pay the $1,400 fee for rent, $75 a month for our phones, $60 for internet, $190 for my health insurance I've NEVER had in my entire life until about a month ago, $110 for storage, $200 for electric, $40 for water, I mean it all adds up. We can only spend so much on food before the money runs out. I need a god damn job but I CAN'T GET ONE. I do not define as the gender I was at birth, and I put that on my applications....I put my legal name down of course, but also wrote the name I'd rather be called, Leo. BUT NAH. I GET NOTHING BACK. NOTHING. I CAN'T EVEN BE COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN GOD DAMN SKIN.
I don't get my brothers. I don't get the job. I lose my girlfriend because SHE didn't want to deal with my anxiety problems I ALREADY had BEFORE we started dating. I can't even use my anchor to keep myself sane anymore, which is video games. This laptop can't really handle games, but I have a 360 I used to buy games when I still got child support money before I turned 18. But now it just kinda sits there. So I drink. And I get lectures about it that I am SO tired of hearing. It's not like I do it all the time, it's just every once in awhile. I'm tired. I've been tired for so long and I've done so well to come this far but it's god damn HARD. I've been isolated in my room my entire life, except to go to school. Well I've been out for nearly 3 years now so what have I done? Nothing. I've been useless. I don't clean, I don't cook, I don't have a job, I just sit here. And for what? Wait for my brothers to come tell me how sorry they are for never visiting me? That it was always my mom and I that visited them? Why did only one brother come back? Why is this time any different from all the other times you could've came?
It's not fair to blame them for me being the way I am, I know that. Like I said before, it's easier to blame everything on someone else because if I don't then everything is my fault and I'm just screwing myself over, and I'm not gonna believe that. I've tried my damned best, and it's not enough. Sometimes, people have to just accept that certain things will never be enough no matter how hard you try. That's the way this world works, and I doubt it's going to change any time soon.
I'm bitter about everything. I'm bitter that I got the short end of the stick in life. I'm bitter that in my last relationship I was printed the bad guy. I'm bitter that I'm LUCKY if I get to see my brothers once a year. I'm bitter that I can't get a job because of who I am. I'm bitter that my parents are divorced, even though I know it's better this way. I'm bitter because everyone I've opened up my heart to has SCREWED me over one way or another. I've forgiven one of them, the others, not so much. I'm bitter that my family is on the borderline of poverty. I'm bitter that I can't get my teeth fixed. I'm bitter that I wasn't able to afford to go to college. I'm bitter because I can't afford a binder, or dress the way I want. I'm bitter at myself for not finishing anything I start.
But most of all, I'm bitter with the fact that no matter how hard I try, I seemed to get fucked over in the end anyway.
Honestly if you read all this I'm proud of you and would hug you so hard.
I don't really like to talk about my personal life, as far as family/friend/datemate situations go.
But I really need to get this out, and even though I'm the creator of this forum I'm also a person too, and I'd like to be my own person on my own website for a bit.
I have two brothers. No sisters. No other siblings. I didn't grow up with either of them my entire life. I'm now 19 years old, going to be 20 in less than a month. I don't...Feel like an adult. No matter what I say about this people tell me "You're not supposed to feel like an adult" or "Nobody really feels like an adult" or even "Eventually you will." Yeah? So when is that going to happen, huh? I mean I'm nearly 20 years old and I've got chronic baby face that makes me look 12 and I'm supposed to be grateful for that because I look so young? Yeah well I'm not grateful. I'm not. Because I literally look like I'm 12 years old (someone legit asked me if I was 12), nobody takes me seriously. It doesn't matter that I'm an adult. It doesn't matter if I have a state ID that clearly says "Born June 22nd, 1995", I'm still treated like a kid that doesn't know any better. Nobody fucking listens to me. I've tried, time and time again to talk to someone about my brothers. ABOUT ANYTHING REGARDING THIS. But it's like, people are hearing me but aren't listening to me. Lots of kids grow up with no siblings. But do you know what it's like to live your entire life knowing you have two brothers, but being unable to see them? You know how many people take their siblings for granted and wish they never existed? Yeah well I would've been grateful to even know what kind of people my brothers were. I still don't know. I don't fucking know who they are.
They just live so far away and we never have the money to see them. And it's like, "Okay Leo! Tell your mom to save up money!" Because even though I know my dad cares about my brothers, he isn't related to them by blood. We all have different fathers. All three of us have different fathers, and are 6 years apart. 32, 26, 20. That's right, my oldest brother is 32 years old. But every time we try and save money something always happens. About 2 years ago (3 months shy) my dad and I lost our house due to foreclosure. We couldn't...afford to pay the mortgage anymore. My mom still owned the house that my parents had when they were still married, but she wasn't living in it, and offered it to us. So yeah, I've been living in the house I grew up in ever since I was 4 years old playing Pokemon Yellow. Great. Only, wait. It's not. My dad wants to leave, because he's tired of putting up with the fact that my mom isn't taking proper care of her dog. We've been looking after him at this house, because where she lives now doesn't allow pets.
I mean that's not even really a problem but it's just. It's just easier to bitch about the small things so you don't have the deal with why you're really angry. I hate living like this. Sometimes, I have to skip days I can eat because I want to save food that we have so it can last the rest of the month. We're on the borderline of poverty, but the sick fact of it is, my dad can't even apply for foodstamps. Why? Because he makes over $2,500 a month. But you wanna know a secret? The government takes away $700 of it. So, my dad has to pay the $1,400 fee for rent, $75 a month for our phones, $60 for internet, $190 for my health insurance I've NEVER had in my entire life until about a month ago, $110 for storage, $200 for electric, $40 for water, I mean it all adds up. We can only spend so much on food before the money runs out. I need a god damn job but I CAN'T GET ONE. I do not define as the gender I was at birth, and I put that on my applications....I put my legal name down of course, but also wrote the name I'd rather be called, Leo. BUT NAH. I GET NOTHING BACK. NOTHING. I CAN'T EVEN BE COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN GOD DAMN SKIN.
I don't get my brothers. I don't get the job. I lose my girlfriend because SHE didn't want to deal with my anxiety problems I ALREADY had BEFORE we started dating. I can't even use my anchor to keep myself sane anymore, which is video games. This laptop can't really handle games, but I have a 360 I used to buy games when I still got child support money before I turned 18. But now it just kinda sits there. So I drink. And I get lectures about it that I am SO tired of hearing. It's not like I do it all the time, it's just every once in awhile. I'm tired. I've been tired for so long and I've done so well to come this far but it's god damn HARD. I've been isolated in my room my entire life, except to go to school. Well I've been out for nearly 3 years now so what have I done? Nothing. I've been useless. I don't clean, I don't cook, I don't have a job, I just sit here. And for what? Wait for my brothers to come tell me how sorry they are for never visiting me? That it was always my mom and I that visited them? Why did only one brother come back? Why is this time any different from all the other times you could've came?
It's not fair to blame them for me being the way I am, I know that. Like I said before, it's easier to blame everything on someone else because if I don't then everything is my fault and I'm just screwing myself over, and I'm not gonna believe that. I've tried my damned best, and it's not enough. Sometimes, people have to just accept that certain things will never be enough no matter how hard you try. That's the way this world works, and I doubt it's going to change any time soon.
I'm bitter about everything. I'm bitter that I got the short end of the stick in life. I'm bitter that in my last relationship I was printed the bad guy. I'm bitter that I'm LUCKY if I get to see my brothers once a year. I'm bitter that I can't get a job because of who I am. I'm bitter that my parents are divorced, even though I know it's better this way. I'm bitter because everyone I've opened up my heart to has SCREWED me over one way or another. I've forgiven one of them, the others, not so much. I'm bitter that my family is on the borderline of poverty. I'm bitter that I can't get my teeth fixed. I'm bitter that I wasn't able to afford to go to college. I'm bitter because I can't afford a binder, or dress the way I want. I'm bitter at myself for not finishing anything I start.
But most of all, I'm bitter with the fact that no matter how hard I try, I seemed to get fucked over in the end anyway.
Honestly if you read all this I'm proud of you and would hug you so hard.
but i definitely second what joe said about maybe trying to open commissions if you need the money bc your art is really good and hey once i get some money i'd be happy to commission you honestly 
