【Leo's Work in Progress Fanfiction】
Jun 5, 2015 13:17:49 GMT -8
Empress Rose (◕‿◕✿), Kay, and 1 more like this
Post by ✮Prince Leo✮ on Jun 5, 2015 13:17:49 GMT -8
Here's a couple of fics I'm sort of working on but never have had the motivation to finish because I suck. They even cut off at random places, so I'm really sorry about that!!!
I hope that these little excerpts aren't too terrible!! ;;
Limitless
USUK
Arthur wakes up in a peculiar place with no memory of who he is or where he is. A man by the name of Alfred F. Jones finds him out in the street, and offers him a place to stay.
USUK
Arthur wakes up in a peculiar place with no memory of who he is or where he is. A man by the name of Alfred F. Jones finds him out in the street, and offers him a place to stay.
Eerie ambiance echoed through the darkness, reminding me that I was alone somewhere I had no memory of being. I peered into the blackness, my newly awoken eyes attempting to adjust to the darkened hallways. I wasn’t entirely sure how I ended up here, or even anything before that. Everything before waking up in this place was an absolute blur.
Grasping the coarse gown I was adorned in, I gathered that I must be in a hospital. However, everything around me seemed decrepit and abandoned, yet my garb was without blemishes. The area became clearer as my eyes became accustomed to the lightless space. I had no idea where to go, whether that meant out of this hospital or just a matter of speaking. As I came to terms with a decision, I trudged along the left wall to try and find my way out of this place.
A few minutes passed to where I could see the broken down entrance of the hospital. There were no doors, and several planks of wood barred the entryway. If I were to get out, I’d have to squeeze my way through the lumber. My frame was rather small, so it was rather easy to shove myself through. Carefully walking around the lot, I noticed most of the area was covered in brush and trees. I wasn’t too keep on walking in the grass from lack of shoes, so I tried to find a pathway on the concrete.
Out to the left of the hospital, I could spot a small pathway heading downhill, a shimmering city glittering below. Seeing this as my chance to find help, I made my way down the hill, cautious of the nightlife noises of wildlife around me. As far as I could tell, I could speak, and still retained the intellect of an adult man. The only problem was I knew nothing about myself, aside from the nametag on my left wrist that said ‘Arthur K., the last name unfortunately smudged beyond readability. My name was Arthur, but beyond that I knew nothing further.
Finally reaching the bottom of the hill, I happened upon a barren street, with the city about 2 blocks in front of me. Before making the trek to the city, I had to think for a moment. How was it that I didn’t remember a thing? And why did I wake up in an abandoned hospital? This was nothing if not strange, but there was nothing I could do to shake myself from some kind of worry that resided at the back of my head. Inhaling all of my conviction, I finally found myself inching toward the city, when something stopped me.
“Excuse me sir, are you okay?” I blinked from both shock and being startled, turning around cautiously to see the voice behind me. “Woah, did you escape from a hospital or something? Do you need help?”
“Something like that, I suppose.” I answered, eyes still flickering in surprise, gathering mental images of the man stood before me. Dusty blonde hair, irises the color of the pacific ocean, and black wired frames decorated upon a handsome face, I was astonished I could even respond to him.
“I, um…” I started, not quite sure how to tell this man my situation, or to even tell him at all. Even throughout my foggy disposition, I knew not to trust every person who approached me on the street, if any at all. “I can’t seem to recall where I am.”
“Oh, you’re in Saintsburg. Idaho, if you didn’t know which state either.” He flashed a toothy grin, a sign of premeditated humor. “I’m Alfred, by the way, Alfred F. Jones. Don’t ask why but I always gotta say my middle initial. Otherwise my full name won’t sound right.” His grin widened, using an extended thumb to point at himself as a point of introduction.
“Hello, Alfred. I’m…” I squinted at the plastic brace wrapped around my wrist, just to double check to make sure what my name was. “Arthur.”
“Nice ta meet you, Arthur!” Alfred extended his hand, cheesy grin and all. I shook it haphazardly, still a little wary of this overly handsome man. “Not gonna extend the same formality and give me your last name? I getcha, you must be a private guy right?” No, you couldn’t be more wrong. Sorry Alfred F. Jones but, I don’t even know my last name.
“Listen, uh, Alfred.” I paused, biting the bottom of my lip as I debated whether to tell him or not. I should definitely tell him. There’s no other plan of action, and I honestly had no other clues to what I should do. “You know that hospital up there?”
“Yeah?” Alfred cocked his head to the side, a confused expression painting itself on his face.
“I just came from there. I don’t know how or why, but I woke up there, and...In this. Truth is, I don’t remember anything about what happened to me, or even the person I am. I only know my name is Arthur because it says so on my wristband.” It was Alfred’s turn to blink in shock, and furrow his brow in bewilderment.
“But...That’s impossible. That hospital’s been closed for well over 100 years. The only reason it hasn’t been demolished is because the mayor says it’s a historical landmark.” What Alfred was saying didn’t make any sense, despite that it actually did make sense. That explained why the hospital was in such grotesque condition, but it just made things more complicated as to why I woke up there.
“I really don’t know. I don’t remember anything. I’m not sure what to do about this…” Alfred’s thumb and forefinger were pressed against his chin, contemplating a solution to Arthur’s strange situation. After a few moments, a look of realization appeared.
“Okay, how about this! I live in a two story house with my brother, which has four rooms. Two are used for my brother and I, and one a sort of study room. There’s also a guest room. Until we figure things out further, why don’t you stay at my place?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” This man seemed really nice, but that’s all it was. He seemed. He did mention a brother, but I didn’t know how comfortable I’d be with staying with two brothers.
“Well, where else are you going to go? I’d say you should go to the police, but you really shouldn’t go to the police. This is a small town and they don’t really care for dealing with things like this.”
“Yes, you are most likely right. But I don’t want to intrude on you and your brother.” Alfred waved his hand as if to shoo away any of my doubts.
“Nah, don’t worry about it. Mattie’s cool, you’d like him.” His smile was like the memory of a perfect summer, full of light and preservation. Seeing him smile like that made me want to trust him, like I could trust him with my life.
“Alright, if you really say it’s okay.”
“Of course I do!” The blonde beamed, flipping another thumbs up in joyous reassurance. “My car is back up in the town, so we’ll have to walk a little bit.”
“Why are you two blocks away from your car?”
“I like stargazing…” He said matter-of-factly, an embarrassed grin tugging at the corner of his lips.
“Well, shall we go then, Alfred?” Alfred nodded, sliding off his bronze leather jacket and slipping it over my shoulders. The warmth of the fluffy collar grazed the sides of my neck, filling me with a sort of faint happiness.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
~***~
“Al, is it really wise to keep a stranger in the house with us?” Asked a rather disgruntled strawberry blonde, wrinkling his nose in frustration.
“Matt, is it really wise for this stranger to trust us? He obviously has no reason to, and yet here he is.”
“I’m right here, you know.”
“Sorry, Arthur. Matthew’s overly cautious but you’ll get used to it.” Alfred scratched the back of his head nervously, as though he really felt bad for forgetting I was right in front of him.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Matthew. I apologize for intruding.” The blonde’s previous frustration softened, to reveal a pleasant smile.
“Yeah, you too. Sorry about what I said, it just seems kinda weird with what happened to you and all. Can you really not remember anything?” I shook my head in dejection, feeling a sort of constricting awareness that compressed against my chest.
“No, not even my own name. I just know that it’s Arthur because of the hospital band.” I breathed in and out heavily, when Alfred noticed that I still had a lack of proper clothing.
Grasping the coarse gown I was adorned in, I gathered that I must be in a hospital. However, everything around me seemed decrepit and abandoned, yet my garb was without blemishes. The area became clearer as my eyes became accustomed to the lightless space. I had no idea where to go, whether that meant out of this hospital or just a matter of speaking. As I came to terms with a decision, I trudged along the left wall to try and find my way out of this place.
A few minutes passed to where I could see the broken down entrance of the hospital. There were no doors, and several planks of wood barred the entryway. If I were to get out, I’d have to squeeze my way through the lumber. My frame was rather small, so it was rather easy to shove myself through. Carefully walking around the lot, I noticed most of the area was covered in brush and trees. I wasn’t too keep on walking in the grass from lack of shoes, so I tried to find a pathway on the concrete.
Out to the left of the hospital, I could spot a small pathway heading downhill, a shimmering city glittering below. Seeing this as my chance to find help, I made my way down the hill, cautious of the nightlife noises of wildlife around me. As far as I could tell, I could speak, and still retained the intellect of an adult man. The only problem was I knew nothing about myself, aside from the nametag on my left wrist that said ‘Arthur K., the last name unfortunately smudged beyond readability. My name was Arthur, but beyond that I knew nothing further.
Finally reaching the bottom of the hill, I happened upon a barren street, with the city about 2 blocks in front of me. Before making the trek to the city, I had to think for a moment. How was it that I didn’t remember a thing? And why did I wake up in an abandoned hospital? This was nothing if not strange, but there was nothing I could do to shake myself from some kind of worry that resided at the back of my head. Inhaling all of my conviction, I finally found myself inching toward the city, when something stopped me.
“Excuse me sir, are you okay?” I blinked from both shock and being startled, turning around cautiously to see the voice behind me. “Woah, did you escape from a hospital or something? Do you need help?”
“Something like that, I suppose.” I answered, eyes still flickering in surprise, gathering mental images of the man stood before me. Dusty blonde hair, irises the color of the pacific ocean, and black wired frames decorated upon a handsome face, I was astonished I could even respond to him.
“I, um…” I started, not quite sure how to tell this man my situation, or to even tell him at all. Even throughout my foggy disposition, I knew not to trust every person who approached me on the street, if any at all. “I can’t seem to recall where I am.”
“Oh, you’re in Saintsburg. Idaho, if you didn’t know which state either.” He flashed a toothy grin, a sign of premeditated humor. “I’m Alfred, by the way, Alfred F. Jones. Don’t ask why but I always gotta say my middle initial. Otherwise my full name won’t sound right.” His grin widened, using an extended thumb to point at himself as a point of introduction.
“Hello, Alfred. I’m…” I squinted at the plastic brace wrapped around my wrist, just to double check to make sure what my name was. “Arthur.”
“Nice ta meet you, Arthur!” Alfred extended his hand, cheesy grin and all. I shook it haphazardly, still a little wary of this overly handsome man. “Not gonna extend the same formality and give me your last name? I getcha, you must be a private guy right?” No, you couldn’t be more wrong. Sorry Alfred F. Jones but, I don’t even know my last name.
“Listen, uh, Alfred.” I paused, biting the bottom of my lip as I debated whether to tell him or not. I should definitely tell him. There’s no other plan of action, and I honestly had no other clues to what I should do. “You know that hospital up there?”
“Yeah?” Alfred cocked his head to the side, a confused expression painting itself on his face.
“I just came from there. I don’t know how or why, but I woke up there, and...In this. Truth is, I don’t remember anything about what happened to me, or even the person I am. I only know my name is Arthur because it says so on my wristband.” It was Alfred’s turn to blink in shock, and furrow his brow in bewilderment.
“But...That’s impossible. That hospital’s been closed for well over 100 years. The only reason it hasn’t been demolished is because the mayor says it’s a historical landmark.” What Alfred was saying didn’t make any sense, despite that it actually did make sense. That explained why the hospital was in such grotesque condition, but it just made things more complicated as to why I woke up there.
“I really don’t know. I don’t remember anything. I’m not sure what to do about this…” Alfred’s thumb and forefinger were pressed against his chin, contemplating a solution to Arthur’s strange situation. After a few moments, a look of realization appeared.
“Okay, how about this! I live in a two story house with my brother, which has four rooms. Two are used for my brother and I, and one a sort of study room. There’s also a guest room. Until we figure things out further, why don’t you stay at my place?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” This man seemed really nice, but that’s all it was. He seemed. He did mention a brother, but I didn’t know how comfortable I’d be with staying with two brothers.
“Well, where else are you going to go? I’d say you should go to the police, but you really shouldn’t go to the police. This is a small town and they don’t really care for dealing with things like this.”
“Yes, you are most likely right. But I don’t want to intrude on you and your brother.” Alfred waved his hand as if to shoo away any of my doubts.
“Nah, don’t worry about it. Mattie’s cool, you’d like him.” His smile was like the memory of a perfect summer, full of light and preservation. Seeing him smile like that made me want to trust him, like I could trust him with my life.
“Alright, if you really say it’s okay.”
“Of course I do!” The blonde beamed, flipping another thumbs up in joyous reassurance. “My car is back up in the town, so we’ll have to walk a little bit.”
“Why are you two blocks away from your car?”
“I like stargazing…” He said matter-of-factly, an embarrassed grin tugging at the corner of his lips.
“Well, shall we go then, Alfred?” Alfred nodded, sliding off his bronze leather jacket and slipping it over my shoulders. The warmth of the fluffy collar grazed the sides of my neck, filling me with a sort of faint happiness.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
~***~
“Al, is it really wise to keep a stranger in the house with us?” Asked a rather disgruntled strawberry blonde, wrinkling his nose in frustration.
“Matt, is it really wise for this stranger to trust us? He obviously has no reason to, and yet here he is.”
“I’m right here, you know.”
“Sorry, Arthur. Matthew’s overly cautious but you’ll get used to it.” Alfred scratched the back of his head nervously, as though he really felt bad for forgetting I was right in front of him.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Matthew. I apologize for intruding.” The blonde’s previous frustration softened, to reveal a pleasant smile.
“Yeah, you too. Sorry about what I said, it just seems kinda weird with what happened to you and all. Can you really not remember anything?” I shook my head in dejection, feeling a sort of constricting awareness that compressed against my chest.
“No, not even my own name. I just know that it’s Arthur because of the hospital band.” I breathed in and out heavily, when Alfred noticed that I still had a lack of proper clothing.
Carnival of Rust
Prucan
WARNING: MINOR NSFW TEXT AND LANGUAGE
Gilbert is sulking, thinking that Matthew has zero interest in him, so he drinks until he nearly passes out. The next day, Matthew confronts him about his drinking habits and Gilbert has no choice but to tell him what happened.
Prucan
WARNING: MINOR NSFW TEXT AND LANGUAGE
Gilbert is sulking, thinking that Matthew has zero interest in him, so he drinks until he nearly passes out. The next day, Matthew confronts him about his drinking habits and Gilbert has no choice but to tell him what happened.
D' you breathe the name of your saviour in your hour of need,
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill
------------------------------------------------------------
Red lights flashed above, making my head spin through drunken fervor. My brother was driving, I could hear him bickering but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. The more he spoke the more my mind blurred, sending all thoughts into a frenzy. I had definitely overdrank myself, but at the moment I didn’t care enough to worry about my well being.
For what seemed merely like seconds, I could hear Ludwig pulling into the driveway and grumble angrily as he pulled me out of the car and into the house. I had disappointed him again. I didn’t blame him, I spent several hours getting wasted only to have Ludwig pick me up. I’m a disgrace of a big brother.
“Gilbert, you need to snap out of this.” I finally heard a coherent sentence as Ludwig hauled me over to the couch, letting me down gently. Though I heard him, I did not look at him, only clutching my shirt tightly between my fingers. I heard an audible sigh, and Ludwig continued speaking. “This is about Matthew, isn’t it.” I felt arrows cleave through my chest, and I could no longer avoid his attention.
“...I’m sorry.” I tried to be understandable as possible, not slurring words. “I can’t get over what I heard him say the other day.” Ludwig crossed his arms, sighing breathlessly as he regained calm composure.
“What exactly did he say that you overheard?” I glanced at Ludwig from the corner of my eyes, spreading my arms against the cold leather of the couch. I didn’t want to think about it. The constant anxiety I felt while speaking to Matthew was enough by itself, but to accidentally overhear Matthew say the one thing to break my heart was enough to shatter it to pieces.
“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t love me. Who could love a drunken bullard like me? I’m such an idiot…” My words slurred as I lost calmness in my voice, but I couldn’t help it. Tears began to form, I used my left arm to hide my eyes away from my brother. I couldn’t do this.
“Gilbert…” My name echoed through the room, reflecting sadness strewn on the walls of the living room. The atmosphere felt bleak, hopelessness trapped in a crystal bottle. I couldn’t figure out how to break it.
“I’m going to bed. I’m sorry you had to come get me. Goodnight.” Ludwig wanted to respond, but he knew that it wouldn’t do any good so he left without saying another word.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody. And it certainly won’t stop for me. I could vilify myself all I’d like, but the outcome won’t change. It won’t unless I change it myself. But I don’t know the steps to make that change, and I don’t know which path takes me there. Passion, which derives from love. Love, which derives from appreciation. Passion colors everything. Without that, who am I?
~*-------------*~
“Okay okay, I think I got it. You hold the dart kind of like a pen, right? And aim contentiously, right?” Matthew held a dart in his right hand, adjusting his glasses as if it align his eyesight.
“That’s it, now go for it.” I encouraged, holding a glass of scotch while sitting at the booth beside the dartboard. Matthew took the shot, and the dart flung onto the green ring. Bull’s ring.
“Well, at least I got close to a bullseye! Thanks for trying to teach Darts to me, Gilbert. You seem to be really good at this game.” I shrugged with a smile, downing about a shot of the scotch down my throat. I hated how he always complimented things I was good at. It was like I wasn’t allowed to hate myself because he showed such genuine interest in the things I was good at. That’s why I loved him.
“Good job Mattie, soon I bet you’ll be throwin’ darts like a pro.” Matthew smiled warmly, taking a seat in front of me at the booth area. He knitted his hands together, threading his thumbs as a distraction tactic.
“Yeah, maybe.” I could tell that Matthew didn’t seem all that confident about it, but I could also see that there was something on his mind. It was obvious that something was bothering him.
“What’s wrong Matthew?” He blinked in surprise at my question, seemingly shocked that I was able to sense his melancholy disposition. He moved his hands under the table, pressing the palms of his hands against his knees.
“Sorry, I’m trying to have fun and I didn’t want to bring this up, but...I’m worried about you.” Now that took me by surprise.
“Worried about me? Why?” Matthew’s eyes shifted, he was nervous about whatever he was about to tell me.
“Ludwig told me how you got really drunk last night.” Oh. That…
“Oh, that? Don’t worry, I was just a bit off on my intake of alcohol. I didn’t have anyone to watch how much I drank, sorry about that. I’m fine.” I lied. I wasn’t fine. But with no one to watch how much I drink, no one could tell me to stop. No one could stop me from drowning my sorrow with liquor.
“Are you sure that’s it? Ludwig sounded really worried when he told me. I think he wanted me to talk to you about it.” Oh my god, that bastard of a brother. I’m going to kill him.
“Matthew, Luddy worries about everything. He worries about missing pens, he worries if the fridge starts making noises, and he even worries when the TV shuts off by itself even though I keep telling him it’s on a timer.” Matthew frowned. As good as a liar as I am, he wasn’t oblivious. No, the damn Canadian was very observant and very smart. It hurt lying to him when he knew that I was.
“Look, I know you only overdrink when something is bothering you. I know you well enough to know that. Please tell me what’s going on, I’m really worried.” Shit...I got him fussing over me again. I had to admit I loved it, but not when he fretted over my well being so genuinely. I sighed, finishing off my glass of scotch and grabbed my jacket. Thankfully, that was the only amount of liquor I consumed so I was still pretty sober.
“I don’t want to talk about it here. Can we talk at my place? Ludwig is out with Feliciano.” Matthew nodded, pulling his Canada symboled hoodie over his head and headed out the door with me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before
“So what’s this all about Gil? Why did you drink so much?” Violaceous eyes gazed intently at my own, sending my face into a violent blush. It was way too charming for him to worry about me like this, I felt ashamed. I didn’t deserve to have him worry about me. Thinking that impelled my wishes to tell him how I felt.
“Uhh, listen. This is sorta embarrassing to say so if you think it’s stupid, then feel free to hit me or whatever.” I wasn’t going to tell him. No, I was going to lie to him again. That’s all I do to him anymore. I discredit Matthew’s friendship, making it seem like I don’t trust him. I trust him with my entire being, but I am afraid.
“Gilbert, you know I would never do that. Just tell me what’s been going on.” I sighed, smoothing silver fringe out of my face. Matthew was too smart for his own good, and that also scared me. He might have already figured out how I felt about him, and still continues to be my friend because he honestly cares about me. So why couldn’t I bring myself to tell him even though I knew he would stay my friend?
“It’s work”, I fibbed, scratching my neck in nervousness. Matthew probably noted that. “Things have been really stressful. So much that I wanted to drink to forget all of the bullshit.” Well, that was a half-truth at least.
“Work?” Matthew seemed unconvinced, crossing his arms and frowning. “If it was work, why would we need to leave the bar just for you to tell me that?” Fuck. He was way too smart. I both hated and loved that about him.
“It was just kinda noisy in there, you know? I’d be better to talk in quiet.” More exaggerating. I know I was only digging my own grave and burrowing myself deeper with every lie I continued. Matthew furrowed an eyebrow and rubbed his temples in frustration.
“I don’t doubt that work has been stressful for you, but there’s something else.” Please Matthew, please stop drilling further.
“There is nothing else. That’s it.” From this lie, Matthew appeared to be angry. Oh no, I upset him. This was not going well at all.
“You know what? When you want to tell me what’s really going on, you know where I live.” Matthew stood up sharply and turned heel towards the door. No, don’t walk away. Please don’t walk away from me.
“Matthew, wait!” My hand outstretched and grabbed the hem of his hoodie, and Matthew stopped. Tears were threatened to fall but I couldn’t give up. Not now. I had to tell him. I had to or it was going to eat me alive. Matthew turned around, and I released my grip on his clothing.
“Are you going to tell me?” I didn’t say anything, but I nodded. Whether Matthew was going to hate me or not didn’t matter. He had to know or this friendship would feel like a farce. It didn’t matter if Matthew rejected me, because as long as we were together I could be happy. But with Matthew not knowing how I felt about him made everything feel...fake.
“I want you to promise me something.” Matthew sat back down next to me, gazing at me with those worried lilac eyes of his.
“What is it?” It’s gross for me to say this, but I prefer Matthew when he is upset rather than angry. That makes me a shitty person, doesn’t it?
“I need you to promise me that you won’t hate me for what I’m about to say.” My want had become a need all without a second, and I could see the concern on Matthew’s face grow.
“Of course but, what is this about? Are you really going to tell me?” Hesitantly, I tenderly took Matthew’s hands within my own and did my best to look him in the eyes.
“Matthew, you are so very important to me. You’ve grown on me in such big ways that I’m daring myself to tell you how in love with you I am. I think about you every day and I get greedy thoughts whenever you’re with someone else and that isn’t fair to you because I don’t have a right to those thoughts. I overheard you telling Alfred that you wouldn’t kiss me because we’re just friends. I guess Alfred caught on to me and was teasing you about it, I’m sorry.”
Matthew didn’t say a word, and I imagine that it was a lot to take in for him, but I felt like he was going to leave and not say anything at all. I couldn’t bear it if he did that. He didn’t move his hands either, so maybe that was a good sign? I couldn’t read his face either, it was stone-cold just as Ludwig’s usually is.
“I know that was a stupid reason to get drunk, and I know that I should’ve talked to you about this way sooner but I just...You make it so hard to not be in love with you. I’m content with just being friends but not if I don’t tell you how I feel about you. God I just, I want you to know how special you are to me and I want you to know that you are so so so loved. I feel guilty about feeling such filthy thoughts about you as well. You can just hit me for that. I know you wouldn’t but I really think you should.”
Matthew removed his hands out from under mine. There’s the bad sign. He looked away for a moment, composing his thoughts. I was scared about what he was going to say, but before I had a chance to talk again, he did something. He extended his left hand, tracing it precariously across the fabric of my shirt. Before I knew what he was doing, he leaned forward, pushing me against the skin of the couch. Was this some punishment for thinking such dirty thoughts of him?
“Well it’s good to know I wasn’t the only one.” What the hell did that mean? I couldn’t ask, Matthew was moving too fast for me to process every thought circling around my head. His hands smoothed to the sides of my abdomen, exposing my midriff as he brushed his hands back up to my shoulders.
“M-Matth-”
“If you want me to stop, tell me clearly.”
“...I don’t.” God I was so fucked up. This had to be a dream but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel his love. I would taste the blame later. But Matthew smiled at my answer, slinking his profound arms around my neck and bringing me in for a hungry kiss. This did not look like someone who said that they did not want to kiss me.
He kept up fervent kisses, sending my mind blazing through bliss and an enigma. My hands found their way unearthing Matthew’s hoodie, who quickly tore it off, sending it along with his shirt, across the room as he continued with impulsive hands touching every inch of my body. My fingers graciously caressed soft skin, I could feel silky lips brush upon my own, Matthew’s breath hitching in his throat when I stroked the exposed skin.
There was one moment of clarity before I could feel a sharp pain in my neck, followed by a familiar warmth. A low moan escaped my lips and I would have covered my mouth but there was...someone in the way. My hands hesitated to wrap themselves around Matthew’s form, but as soon as Matthew shoved himself against me I just let him do whatever he wanted.
Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
And taste the blame if the flavor should remind you of greed?
Of implication, insinuation and ill will, 'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill
------------------------------------------------------------
Red lights flashed above, making my head spin through drunken fervor. My brother was driving, I could hear him bickering but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. The more he spoke the more my mind blurred, sending all thoughts into a frenzy. I had definitely overdrank myself, but at the moment I didn’t care enough to worry about my well being.
For what seemed merely like seconds, I could hear Ludwig pulling into the driveway and grumble angrily as he pulled me out of the car and into the house. I had disappointed him again. I didn’t blame him, I spent several hours getting wasted only to have Ludwig pick me up. I’m a disgrace of a big brother.
“Gilbert, you need to snap out of this.” I finally heard a coherent sentence as Ludwig hauled me over to the couch, letting me down gently. Though I heard him, I did not look at him, only clutching my shirt tightly between my fingers. I heard an audible sigh, and Ludwig continued speaking. “This is about Matthew, isn’t it.” I felt arrows cleave through my chest, and I could no longer avoid his attention.
“...I’m sorry.” I tried to be understandable as possible, not slurring words. “I can’t get over what I heard him say the other day.” Ludwig crossed his arms, sighing breathlessly as he regained calm composure.
“What exactly did he say that you overheard?” I glanced at Ludwig from the corner of my eyes, spreading my arms against the cold leather of the couch. I didn’t want to think about it. The constant anxiety I felt while speaking to Matthew was enough by itself, but to accidentally overhear Matthew say the one thing to break my heart was enough to shatter it to pieces.
“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t love me. Who could love a drunken bullard like me? I’m such an idiot…” My words slurred as I lost calmness in my voice, but I couldn’t help it. Tears began to form, I used my left arm to hide my eyes away from my brother. I couldn’t do this.
“Gilbert…” My name echoed through the room, reflecting sadness strewn on the walls of the living room. The atmosphere felt bleak, hopelessness trapped in a crystal bottle. I couldn’t figure out how to break it.
“I’m going to bed. I’m sorry you had to come get me. Goodnight.” Ludwig wanted to respond, but he knew that it wouldn’t do any good so he left without saying another word.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Come feed the rain
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody. And it certainly won’t stop for me. I could vilify myself all I’d like, but the outcome won’t change. It won’t unless I change it myself. But I don’t know the steps to make that change, and I don’t know which path takes me there. Passion, which derives from love. Love, which derives from appreciation. Passion colors everything. Without that, who am I?
~*-------------*~
“Okay okay, I think I got it. You hold the dart kind of like a pen, right? And aim contentiously, right?” Matthew held a dart in his right hand, adjusting his glasses as if it align his eyesight.
“That’s it, now go for it.” I encouraged, holding a glass of scotch while sitting at the booth beside the dartboard. Matthew took the shot, and the dart flung onto the green ring. Bull’s ring.
“Well, at least I got close to a bullseye! Thanks for trying to teach Darts to me, Gilbert. You seem to be really good at this game.” I shrugged with a smile, downing about a shot of the scotch down my throat. I hated how he always complimented things I was good at. It was like I wasn’t allowed to hate myself because he showed such genuine interest in the things I was good at. That’s why I loved him.
“Good job Mattie, soon I bet you’ll be throwin’ darts like a pro.” Matthew smiled warmly, taking a seat in front of me at the booth area. He knitted his hands together, threading his thumbs as a distraction tactic.
“Yeah, maybe.” I could tell that Matthew didn’t seem all that confident about it, but I could also see that there was something on his mind. It was obvious that something was bothering him.
“What’s wrong Matthew?” He blinked in surprise at my question, seemingly shocked that I was able to sense his melancholy disposition. He moved his hands under the table, pressing the palms of his hands against his knees.
“Sorry, I’m trying to have fun and I didn’t want to bring this up, but...I’m worried about you.” Now that took me by surprise.
“Worried about me? Why?” Matthew’s eyes shifted, he was nervous about whatever he was about to tell me.
“Ludwig told me how you got really drunk last night.” Oh. That…
“Oh, that? Don’t worry, I was just a bit off on my intake of alcohol. I didn’t have anyone to watch how much I drank, sorry about that. I’m fine.” I lied. I wasn’t fine. But with no one to watch how much I drink, no one could tell me to stop. No one could stop me from drowning my sorrow with liquor.
“Are you sure that’s it? Ludwig sounded really worried when he told me. I think he wanted me to talk to you about it.” Oh my god, that bastard of a brother. I’m going to kill him.
“Matthew, Luddy worries about everything. He worries about missing pens, he worries if the fridge starts making noises, and he even worries when the TV shuts off by itself even though I keep telling him it’s on a timer.” Matthew frowned. As good as a liar as I am, he wasn’t oblivious. No, the damn Canadian was very observant and very smart. It hurt lying to him when he knew that I was.
“Look, I know you only overdrink when something is bothering you. I know you well enough to know that. Please tell me what’s going on, I’m really worried.” Shit...I got him fussing over me again. I had to admit I loved it, but not when he fretted over my well being so genuinely. I sighed, finishing off my glass of scotch and grabbed my jacket. Thankfully, that was the only amount of liquor I consumed so I was still pretty sober.
“I don’t want to talk about it here. Can we talk at my place? Ludwig is out with Feliciano.” Matthew nodded, pulling his Canada symboled hoodie over his head and headed out the door with me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed
All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need
I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore
And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before
“So what’s this all about Gil? Why did you drink so much?” Violaceous eyes gazed intently at my own, sending my face into a violent blush. It was way too charming for him to worry about me like this, I felt ashamed. I didn’t deserve to have him worry about me. Thinking that impelled my wishes to tell him how I felt.
“Uhh, listen. This is sorta embarrassing to say so if you think it’s stupid, then feel free to hit me or whatever.” I wasn’t going to tell him. No, I was going to lie to him again. That’s all I do to him anymore. I discredit Matthew’s friendship, making it seem like I don’t trust him. I trust him with my entire being, but I am afraid.
“Gilbert, you know I would never do that. Just tell me what’s been going on.” I sighed, smoothing silver fringe out of my face. Matthew was too smart for his own good, and that also scared me. He might have already figured out how I felt about him, and still continues to be my friend because he honestly cares about me. So why couldn’t I bring myself to tell him even though I knew he would stay my friend?
“It’s work”, I fibbed, scratching my neck in nervousness. Matthew probably noted that. “Things have been really stressful. So much that I wanted to drink to forget all of the bullshit.” Well, that was a half-truth at least.
“Work?” Matthew seemed unconvinced, crossing his arms and frowning. “If it was work, why would we need to leave the bar just for you to tell me that?” Fuck. He was way too smart. I both hated and loved that about him.
“It was just kinda noisy in there, you know? I’d be better to talk in quiet.” More exaggerating. I know I was only digging my own grave and burrowing myself deeper with every lie I continued. Matthew furrowed an eyebrow and rubbed his temples in frustration.
“I don’t doubt that work has been stressful for you, but there’s something else.” Please Matthew, please stop drilling further.
“There is nothing else. That’s it.” From this lie, Matthew appeared to be angry. Oh no, I upset him. This was not going well at all.
“You know what? When you want to tell me what’s really going on, you know where I live.” Matthew stood up sharply and turned heel towards the door. No, don’t walk away. Please don’t walk away from me.
“Matthew, wait!” My hand outstretched and grabbed the hem of his hoodie, and Matthew stopped. Tears were threatened to fall but I couldn’t give up. Not now. I had to tell him. I had to or it was going to eat me alive. Matthew turned around, and I released my grip on his clothing.
“Are you going to tell me?” I didn’t say anything, but I nodded. Whether Matthew was going to hate me or not didn’t matter. He had to know or this friendship would feel like a farce. It didn’t matter if Matthew rejected me, because as long as we were together I could be happy. But with Matthew not knowing how I felt about him made everything feel...fake.
“I want you to promise me something.” Matthew sat back down next to me, gazing at me with those worried lilac eyes of his.
“What is it?” It’s gross for me to say this, but I prefer Matthew when he is upset rather than angry. That makes me a shitty person, doesn’t it?
“I need you to promise me that you won’t hate me for what I’m about to say.” My want had become a need all without a second, and I could see the concern on Matthew’s face grow.
“Of course but, what is this about? Are you really going to tell me?” Hesitantly, I tenderly took Matthew’s hands within my own and did my best to look him in the eyes.
“Matthew, you are so very important to me. You’ve grown on me in such big ways that I’m daring myself to tell you how in love with you I am. I think about you every day and I get greedy thoughts whenever you’re with someone else and that isn’t fair to you because I don’t have a right to those thoughts. I overheard you telling Alfred that you wouldn’t kiss me because we’re just friends. I guess Alfred caught on to me and was teasing you about it, I’m sorry.”
Matthew didn’t say a word, and I imagine that it was a lot to take in for him, but I felt like he was going to leave and not say anything at all. I couldn’t bear it if he did that. He didn’t move his hands either, so maybe that was a good sign? I couldn’t read his face either, it was stone-cold just as Ludwig’s usually is.
“I know that was a stupid reason to get drunk, and I know that I should’ve talked to you about this way sooner but I just...You make it so hard to not be in love with you. I’m content with just being friends but not if I don’t tell you how I feel about you. God I just, I want you to know how special you are to me and I want you to know that you are so so so loved. I feel guilty about feeling such filthy thoughts about you as well. You can just hit me for that. I know you wouldn’t but I really think you should.”
Matthew removed his hands out from under mine. There’s the bad sign. He looked away for a moment, composing his thoughts. I was scared about what he was going to say, but before I had a chance to talk again, he did something. He extended his left hand, tracing it precariously across the fabric of my shirt. Before I knew what he was doing, he leaned forward, pushing me against the skin of the couch. Was this some punishment for thinking such dirty thoughts of him?
“Well it’s good to know I wasn’t the only one.” What the hell did that mean? I couldn’t ask, Matthew was moving too fast for me to process every thought circling around my head. His hands smoothed to the sides of my abdomen, exposing my midriff as he brushed his hands back up to my shoulders.
“M-Matth-”
“If you want me to stop, tell me clearly.”
“...I don’t.” God I was so fucked up. This had to be a dream but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel his love. I would taste the blame later. But Matthew smiled at my answer, slinking his profound arms around my neck and bringing me in for a hungry kiss. This did not look like someone who said that they did not want to kiss me.
He kept up fervent kisses, sending my mind blazing through bliss and an enigma. My hands found their way unearthing Matthew’s hoodie, who quickly tore it off, sending it along with his shirt, across the room as he continued with impulsive hands touching every inch of my body. My fingers graciously caressed soft skin, I could feel silky lips brush upon my own, Matthew’s breath hitching in his throat when I stroked the exposed skin.
There was one moment of clarity before I could feel a sharp pain in my neck, followed by a familiar warmth. A low moan escaped my lips and I would have covered my mouth but there was...someone in the way. My hands hesitated to wrap themselves around Matthew’s form, but as soon as Matthew shoved himself against me I just let him do whatever he wanted.
Come feed the rain...
'cause I'm thirsty for your love dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah, feed the rain
'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust
Unexpected Demons
Prucan
Matthew's heart has been completely shattered, and he doesn't know if it will ever be fixed. Alfred tries to console him, but waves it off as not a big deal.
From a fic I wrote on AO3, I actually wrote this several chapters ahead where I should be.
Prucan
Matthew's heart has been completely shattered, and he doesn't know if it will ever be fixed. Alfred tries to console him, but waves it off as not a big deal.
From a fic I wrote on AO3, I actually wrote this several chapters ahead where I should be.
This day held no interest for me, while it tried to prove useful I felt idleness in the still but calming beat of the weather. No matter how much sun descended, I felt no joy. The sun was desperate for my attention but all I could think about was sadness. I’m not sure which emotion I truly felt, but it wasn’t quite sadness. No, I already climbed over that rung. This was something else, a dull emotion plagued by wanting to feel something more. I suppose the closest term would be ‘emotional detachment.’
I had fallen in love with a man who did not love me, whose very existence tormented my emotions. He hadn’t known, of course, but that didn’t make me feel any less. Until now, that is. I knew that he loved someone else and I knew that someone would never be me. So I did what every other teenager did: I forced myself to forget him. Not entirely of course, since he was a very dear friend to me. No, I forced all of my romantic feelings for him in an overflowing river, full of things I had already thrown away. I was prepared to make that choice, prepared to never feel this way again.
Life isn’t something where you get everything you desire. You can’t make people feel anything they don’t want to. They are someone with their own body and mind, and their own feelings, obligations, and desires. If they don’t happen to coincide with your own, that’s just how it was meant to be, whether you believe it or not. However...I hated knowing that. I hated that I couldn’t change anything. Now it was too late and right now, I don’t think I could care less.
“Okay so Matt, it’s been like 2 months since Gilbert got Gilditched at his own wedding. When are ya gonna say somethin’?” Alfred chimed unexpectedly through my mind, breaking my train of thought. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another.
“I’m not going to say anything.” I said simply, flipping through the pages of the newspaper I forgot I had in my hands.
“What do you mean you’re not going to say anything?! Aren’t you in love with the dude? I mean sure he’s a famous actor or whatever but man, I’m like 90% sure he likes you!” I scowled, swiftly bunching up the slices of thin paper between my fingers into a vertical crunch.
“I mean, I’m not going to say anything. I had to watch the person I was in love with get married, and even though she left him at the altar I know that he’s still in love with her. Alfred...My heart couldn’t take it okay? Even before she left him, watching him be up there at that altar while I was just some friend in a church seat it just...I couldn’t handle it.” I threw the newspaper across the table, pressing the inside of my palm to my face as I set my elbow against the side of the couch.
“Matthew...Isn’t that a good thing? Her leaving him at the altar? That probably means she ditched him for some other dude, which-” He gasped dramatically, then continued, “Leaves him for you! You don’t have to worry about him being snatched up by anyone else because I know that next to that Eliza girl, you’re like, the most important person in his life.” I sighed, knowing that Alfred meant well, but he wasn’t helping at all.
“Alfred, it isn’t that simple. After that wedding, my heart shut itself off. It was as if the glow just...burned out. I guess it’s just some weird coping mechanism, I don’t know. But what I do know is that when I think about Gilbert, I no longer feel like my heart is glowing.” I didn’t turn to look at the face Alfred made, but I know that his look was one of absolute sympathy and absolute sorrow.
“That’s...Really depressing to hear.” I just shrugged at his response, taking a sip of the now cooled off tea I had set on the table.
“I know it’s not going to be like that for you, Al. The way that you look at Arthur, your eyes light up as if there were a thousand stars etched inside, glittering every time he laughs. That goofy smile you make whenever you see him for the first time in the day, and that laugh you make whenever he cheerfully makes fun of you.” Alfred’s eyes widened and a red blush draped across his cheeks in embarrassment.
“Auuggh! You read that stupid note didn’t you?!” Alfred covered his face, pushing up his glasses to keep them from digging into his skin. All I did was smirk with satisfaction.
“Ohhh, yes I did! Quite a little poet you are, aren’t you?” That statement just made Alfred even more embarrassed, he couldn’t believe how fast Matthew could turn the tables on him.
“I’m never showing him that stupid poem, or note, or whatever. He’d probably just fucking laugh at it anyway.” Alfred removed his hands from his face now that he calmed down a bit, but he was still red from embarrassment.
“Aw come on Al, it’s cute! Actually, that’s how you should confess to him. Rewrite that note on some stationary, draw some hearts, maybe even tie it to a balloon and give it to him. I’m positive he’d like it, coming from you.”
“Oh shut up. I don’t even know how he feels about me. And what’s with that whole romantic sense you got there?”
“And you were lecturing me to pursue someone?” I ignored his question.
“Okay you know what, Matt? I’m gonna wipe that smug attitude right off your face.” I scoffed, shrugging with a smile.
“All I’m saying is, you two have got some obvious chemistry. So if you don’t tell him then well, I guess that sucks for you doesn’t it.” Alfred groaned, flopping over on the couch.
“I have been trying to tell him. But it’s like every time I go to tell him, something happens and I never get to tell him. Usually it’s a phone call or someone approaches him. This has happened like three times now and I’m starting to think it isn’t an accident.”
“Next time, bring Arthur somewhere secluded, somewhere you won’t be disturbed. And tell him to put his phone on silent. That’s when you gently take his hands, look into his eyes, and tell him how you feel.” I took another sip of tea, almost spilling it on myself like a trooper.
“Okay seriously Matt, how DO you know all this romantic stuff?” I looked down at my cup, and gave it a sad smile as I took another sip and placed it back on the table.
“Because I thought about these kinds of things when it came to Gilbert. I wanted to be that movie star hopeless romantic that Gilbert loves. All of the cliche stuff included.” Alfred blinked in surprise, when he realized something.
“You watched all of the movies he was in?”
“Every single one. TV shows even. At that time, I wanted to know as much about what Gilbert liked without changing a part of myself. Hah, but as you know that’s all moot now.” Alfred grumbled at that last sentence, but he understood. Just then, my cell phone began to ring. “Oh, sorry Al I’ll just be a sec.”
I fumbled around my hoodie pocket for my phone, and when I finally found it I answered it quickly as I could. Before I could say anything, a roaring voice on the other end of the line erupted.
“Mattie! Can you come out to the city ocean? I gotta show you something you’re gonna love!” I’d know that boisterous tone anywhere. That was Gilbert, of course.
“What is it?” Was all I asked, while I could feel Alfred eyeing me with his stare.
“I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise! But you have to come down here, alright? Meet me right before the pier on Elliott, ok?” I sighed, knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to get out of it.
“Alright, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“YESSSSS! Okay, don’t be late!!!” Dead tone.
“Soooo, he ask you out on a date?” Alfred asked, to which I just rolled my eyes and threw a couch cushion at his face.
“No, Gilbert doesn’t do dates. And even if it was I’d probably be asleep, dreaming.” Alfred frowned. He didn’t really like Matthew’s attitude towards this whole thing, but he knew his brother couldn’t help it. He just really wanted Matthew to believe in love again, whether it was platonic or romantic.
“Ok, whatever dude. Go have fun on your ‘Not Date’. Call me if he tries anything, I’ll rush right over and beat his ass to a bloody pulp. I give no fucks that he’s an actor.”
“Alfred, chill. He’s not gonna do anything.”
“That’s because he knows I’m gonna beat his ass.”
“Goodbye, Alfred.” I said, sitting up and putting my empty tea cup in the sink.
“Later, bro!” With hesitant quips, I laced up my shoes and headed out the door to where I was asked.
* * *
The cold wind whipped at my face, growing stronger as I approached the whispering sea of calm. I could see the pier in front of me, as well as a dark figure standing between the concrete and wood of the dock.
“Matthew, you came!” The presence waved excitedly, beaming with delight.
“Well of course I did, I know you wouldn’t take no for an answer.” I laughed, noticing the quick pacing sun descend down onto the horizon.
“Okay, come over here!” Gilbert reached for my hand, pulling me across the rickety boards to the end. “Close your eyes for sec. Don’t ask questions.” I did as I was told, but either Gilbert didn’t think my eyes were closed all the way or he was just being cautious, but he placed his hands in front of my eyes for extended measure. I could feel the sunlight leaving, the last remaining flicks of light leaving the Earth.
“What exactly am I waiting for?” I asked, but Gilbert didn’t say a word and just kept his hands over my eyes. After what seemed like several moments, he spoke again.
“Okayyyyy….Now you can look!” He removed his hands, I opened my eyes, and outstretched before me was nothing I had ever seen before in my life. Up in the sky, dozens upon dozens of fireflies danced against the somber dusk sky, lighting their way across the briny sea.
“Woah! This is...amazing!” I beamed at them all, fluttering against the breeze, like tiny fairies guiding themselves home. It was almost magical, watching them flicker against the night sky.
“Right???” Gilbert grinned, clearly happy that he was able to make me smile.
“Wait, but I thought fireflies didn’t live around here? And how did you know they were here?” Shit, busted. Well, it was worth it while it lasted, the secret being kept.
“Actually there are fireflies around here, just not all of them glow. But uh...I had someone come out here and release a whole bunch of ‘em.” I wrinkled my nose in confusion at his answer, stuffing my hands in my pockets.
“Why?”
“Because I remember you telling me that you liked fireflies!” Gilbert’s answers were strange, as if he was hiding something.
“Well yeah but why go through the trouble of gathering so many just to show me?” Gilbert was fidgeting around with his hands, turning his attention to the ground.
“Because I want to make you happy.” Was all he said, but suddenly he looked straight into my eyes, stepped forward, and grabbed my hands that were nestled warmly in my pockets. I had a strange feeling about all this, and I also felt that I wasn’t going to like it.
“Gilbert, what are you doi-”
“Sh! Don’t say anything or else my confidence is going to falter.” I just nodded slowly, occasionally glancing at his hands gently caressing my own, cold from the chilly air. “Listen, Matthew. Back when we first met, I noticed the attraction you had towards me. I know I played it all off as a joke whenever someone mentioned the thought of us being together, and I know that really hurt you, though you didn’t show it. So I’m sorry for that.”
Was that all? Honestly, Gilbert didn’t need to apologize for that. I knew that he was only doing that to relieve the embarrassment. Did he think I didn’t want to be friends with him if he didn’t want me in a romantic sense? How absurd, but that does sound like something he would think.
“You really have the worst timing, coming into my life just when Eliza was going to get married. Hah…”
“You make it sound like she was marrying someone else.” Gilbert inhaled a huge breath, like he was just about to spell the secret of a lifetime. Maybe he was.
“That’s because...She was. Did. The entire wedding was staged. By me, of course. She was in love with someone her parents didn’t approve of so I staged a fake wedding while she eloped with her boyfriend.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. My eyebrows lowered, and I frowned.
“So what you’re saying is, you loved her so much that you staged a wedding so that she could elope with her lover.” Gilbert hesitated answering, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness.
“Essentially...yes. Bu-”
“Why are you telling me this now? Or at all for that that matter?”
“I was just trying to explain that! Man you make this really hard.”
“Sorry. You can continue.”
“Anyway, what I was trying to say before is...You were the one that stood beside me throughout all of this, while I knew Eliza didn’t give a shit less. You had to watch me get married to Eliza. Even though that never happened, that must have been such an awful feeling to bear. But to be honest, I had doubts about the whole thing.”
“Gilbert, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for that. I’d already forgiven you for that before you even realized any harm had been done.” Gilbert grumbled, giving my hands a small squeeze.
“No, I do. You’re not listening. I had doubts about the wedding because...Before I realized, I had fallen for you. I know that saying this now isn’t fair to you, after all of that. I wasn’t confident enough in how I felt to tell you. But now I know for sure. Eliza isn’t the one I’m in love with. Maybe at first, but the more time I spent with you I had fallen in love with you before I knew it.” My eyes widened in complete shock, my heart threatening to bloom once again in an affectionate brilliance. But it wasn’t enough to set it alight again. There was still too much dull emotion cracking its insides, too much hurt still not recovered. Even still, I felt a deep red blush creep across my face before I knew it.
“G-Gilbert...I can’t..Say anything to that.” I wasn’t sure, but I nearly thought I heard a whimper from him. “After that wedding, my heart just sort of...grew dismal. I don’t feel that way towards you anymore. I can’t.” The look on Gilbert’s face was one of absolute hurt and betrayal, and I knew he would get that exact look on his face. I saw the same look on his wedding day.
“Please...I’m so sorry I did this to you. I know I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than me, but I can’t help but be in love with you. You felt the same way, right?” I pulled my hands away from his, and looked away from him.
“I forgave you for that, but that doesn’t mean I will just automatically be in love with you again. That’s not how it works.” Gilbert understood my feelings, but I knew he didn’t want to.
“I know...But that means there’s a chance, right?”
“What?”
“You said that you forgave me, but me confessing won’t magically make your feelings return for me, right? So, like I should have done in the first place, I’ll earn them back! I’ll earn back your feelings. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of you. But if you don’t even want me to try, then I’ll understand.” The tone of his voice nearly broke my heart all over again. He was trying so hard for me, and here I was basically casting him away. With a brisk sigh, I looked at Gilbert.
“...Okay, listen. You were worthy before, alright? You and I both know that we can’t help the way we feel. Maybe it will just take more time for my heart to heal, I don’t know. But for now, can we just stay friends?” Gilbert stuck his own hands in his pockets, knowing that there wasn’t anything he could do to change my mind. But maybe some day he could.
“Yeah, of course. Did you at least like the fireflies?” I smiled, glancing back to the scattered lightning bugs flittering across the stars.
“I think this is one of the best sights I’ve seen in a long while.”
I had fallen in love with a man who did not love me, whose very existence tormented my emotions. He hadn’t known, of course, but that didn’t make me feel any less. Until now, that is. I knew that he loved someone else and I knew that someone would never be me. So I did what every other teenager did: I forced myself to forget him. Not entirely of course, since he was a very dear friend to me. No, I forced all of my romantic feelings for him in an overflowing river, full of things I had already thrown away. I was prepared to make that choice, prepared to never feel this way again.
Life isn’t something where you get everything you desire. You can’t make people feel anything they don’t want to. They are someone with their own body and mind, and their own feelings, obligations, and desires. If they don’t happen to coincide with your own, that’s just how it was meant to be, whether you believe it or not. However...I hated knowing that. I hated that I couldn’t change anything. Now it was too late and right now, I don’t think I could care less.
“Okay so Matt, it’s been like 2 months since Gilbert got Gilditched at his own wedding. When are ya gonna say somethin’?” Alfred chimed unexpectedly through my mind, breaking my train of thought. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another.
“I’m not going to say anything.” I said simply, flipping through the pages of the newspaper I forgot I had in my hands.
“What do you mean you’re not going to say anything?! Aren’t you in love with the dude? I mean sure he’s a famous actor or whatever but man, I’m like 90% sure he likes you!” I scowled, swiftly bunching up the slices of thin paper between my fingers into a vertical crunch.
“I mean, I’m not going to say anything. I had to watch the person I was in love with get married, and even though she left him at the altar I know that he’s still in love with her. Alfred...My heart couldn’t take it okay? Even before she left him, watching him be up there at that altar while I was just some friend in a church seat it just...I couldn’t handle it.” I threw the newspaper across the table, pressing the inside of my palm to my face as I set my elbow against the side of the couch.
“Matthew...Isn’t that a good thing? Her leaving him at the altar? That probably means she ditched him for some other dude, which-” He gasped dramatically, then continued, “Leaves him for you! You don’t have to worry about him being snatched up by anyone else because I know that next to that Eliza girl, you’re like, the most important person in his life.” I sighed, knowing that Alfred meant well, but he wasn’t helping at all.
“Alfred, it isn’t that simple. After that wedding, my heart shut itself off. It was as if the glow just...burned out. I guess it’s just some weird coping mechanism, I don’t know. But what I do know is that when I think about Gilbert, I no longer feel like my heart is glowing.” I didn’t turn to look at the face Alfred made, but I know that his look was one of absolute sympathy and absolute sorrow.
“That’s...Really depressing to hear.” I just shrugged at his response, taking a sip of the now cooled off tea I had set on the table.
“I know it’s not going to be like that for you, Al. The way that you look at Arthur, your eyes light up as if there were a thousand stars etched inside, glittering every time he laughs. That goofy smile you make whenever you see him for the first time in the day, and that laugh you make whenever he cheerfully makes fun of you.” Alfred’s eyes widened and a red blush draped across his cheeks in embarrassment.
“Auuggh! You read that stupid note didn’t you?!” Alfred covered his face, pushing up his glasses to keep them from digging into his skin. All I did was smirk with satisfaction.
“Ohhh, yes I did! Quite a little poet you are, aren’t you?” That statement just made Alfred even more embarrassed, he couldn’t believe how fast Matthew could turn the tables on him.
“I’m never showing him that stupid poem, or note, or whatever. He’d probably just fucking laugh at it anyway.” Alfred removed his hands from his face now that he calmed down a bit, but he was still red from embarrassment.
“Aw come on Al, it’s cute! Actually, that’s how you should confess to him. Rewrite that note on some stationary, draw some hearts, maybe even tie it to a balloon and give it to him. I’m positive he’d like it, coming from you.”
“Oh shut up. I don’t even know how he feels about me. And what’s with that whole romantic sense you got there?”
“And you were lecturing me to pursue someone?” I ignored his question.
“Okay you know what, Matt? I’m gonna wipe that smug attitude right off your face.” I scoffed, shrugging with a smile.
“All I’m saying is, you two have got some obvious chemistry. So if you don’t tell him then well, I guess that sucks for you doesn’t it.” Alfred groaned, flopping over on the couch.
“I have been trying to tell him. But it’s like every time I go to tell him, something happens and I never get to tell him. Usually it’s a phone call or someone approaches him. This has happened like three times now and I’m starting to think it isn’t an accident.”
“Next time, bring Arthur somewhere secluded, somewhere you won’t be disturbed. And tell him to put his phone on silent. That’s when you gently take his hands, look into his eyes, and tell him how you feel.” I took another sip of tea, almost spilling it on myself like a trooper.
“Okay seriously Matt, how DO you know all this romantic stuff?” I looked down at my cup, and gave it a sad smile as I took another sip and placed it back on the table.
“Because I thought about these kinds of things when it came to Gilbert. I wanted to be that movie star hopeless romantic that Gilbert loves. All of the cliche stuff included.” Alfred blinked in surprise, when he realized something.
“You watched all of the movies he was in?”
“Every single one. TV shows even. At that time, I wanted to know as much about what Gilbert liked without changing a part of myself. Hah, but as you know that’s all moot now.” Alfred grumbled at that last sentence, but he understood. Just then, my cell phone began to ring. “Oh, sorry Al I’ll just be a sec.”
I fumbled around my hoodie pocket for my phone, and when I finally found it I answered it quickly as I could. Before I could say anything, a roaring voice on the other end of the line erupted.
“Mattie! Can you come out to the city ocean? I gotta show you something you’re gonna love!” I’d know that boisterous tone anywhere. That was Gilbert, of course.
“What is it?” Was all I asked, while I could feel Alfred eyeing me with his stare.
“I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise! But you have to come down here, alright? Meet me right before the pier on Elliott, ok?” I sighed, knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to get out of it.
“Alright, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“YESSSSS! Okay, don’t be late!!!” Dead tone.
“Soooo, he ask you out on a date?” Alfred asked, to which I just rolled my eyes and threw a couch cushion at his face.
“No, Gilbert doesn’t do dates. And even if it was I’d probably be asleep, dreaming.” Alfred frowned. He didn’t really like Matthew’s attitude towards this whole thing, but he knew his brother couldn’t help it. He just really wanted Matthew to believe in love again, whether it was platonic or romantic.
“Ok, whatever dude. Go have fun on your ‘Not Date’. Call me if he tries anything, I’ll rush right over and beat his ass to a bloody pulp. I give no fucks that he’s an actor.”
“Alfred, chill. He’s not gonna do anything.”
“That’s because he knows I’m gonna beat his ass.”
“Goodbye, Alfred.” I said, sitting up and putting my empty tea cup in the sink.
“Later, bro!” With hesitant quips, I laced up my shoes and headed out the door to where I was asked.
* * *
The cold wind whipped at my face, growing stronger as I approached the whispering sea of calm. I could see the pier in front of me, as well as a dark figure standing between the concrete and wood of the dock.
“Matthew, you came!” The presence waved excitedly, beaming with delight.
“Well of course I did, I know you wouldn’t take no for an answer.” I laughed, noticing the quick pacing sun descend down onto the horizon.
“Okay, come over here!” Gilbert reached for my hand, pulling me across the rickety boards to the end. “Close your eyes for sec. Don’t ask questions.” I did as I was told, but either Gilbert didn’t think my eyes were closed all the way or he was just being cautious, but he placed his hands in front of my eyes for extended measure. I could feel the sunlight leaving, the last remaining flicks of light leaving the Earth.
“What exactly am I waiting for?” I asked, but Gilbert didn’t say a word and just kept his hands over my eyes. After what seemed like several moments, he spoke again.
“Okayyyyy….Now you can look!” He removed his hands, I opened my eyes, and outstretched before me was nothing I had ever seen before in my life. Up in the sky, dozens upon dozens of fireflies danced against the somber dusk sky, lighting their way across the briny sea.
“Woah! This is...amazing!” I beamed at them all, fluttering against the breeze, like tiny fairies guiding themselves home. It was almost magical, watching them flicker against the night sky.
“Right???” Gilbert grinned, clearly happy that he was able to make me smile.
“Wait, but I thought fireflies didn’t live around here? And how did you know they were here?” Shit, busted. Well, it was worth it while it lasted, the secret being kept.
“Actually there are fireflies around here, just not all of them glow. But uh...I had someone come out here and release a whole bunch of ‘em.” I wrinkled my nose in confusion at his answer, stuffing my hands in my pockets.
“Why?”
“Because I remember you telling me that you liked fireflies!” Gilbert’s answers were strange, as if he was hiding something.
“Well yeah but why go through the trouble of gathering so many just to show me?” Gilbert was fidgeting around with his hands, turning his attention to the ground.
“Because I want to make you happy.” Was all he said, but suddenly he looked straight into my eyes, stepped forward, and grabbed my hands that were nestled warmly in my pockets. I had a strange feeling about all this, and I also felt that I wasn’t going to like it.
“Gilbert, what are you doi-”
“Sh! Don’t say anything or else my confidence is going to falter.” I just nodded slowly, occasionally glancing at his hands gently caressing my own, cold from the chilly air. “Listen, Matthew. Back when we first met, I noticed the attraction you had towards me. I know I played it all off as a joke whenever someone mentioned the thought of us being together, and I know that really hurt you, though you didn’t show it. So I’m sorry for that.”
Was that all? Honestly, Gilbert didn’t need to apologize for that. I knew that he was only doing that to relieve the embarrassment. Did he think I didn’t want to be friends with him if he didn’t want me in a romantic sense? How absurd, but that does sound like something he would think.
“You really have the worst timing, coming into my life just when Eliza was going to get married. Hah…”
“You make it sound like she was marrying someone else.” Gilbert inhaled a huge breath, like he was just about to spell the secret of a lifetime. Maybe he was.
“That’s because...She was. Did. The entire wedding was staged. By me, of course. She was in love with someone her parents didn’t approve of so I staged a fake wedding while she eloped with her boyfriend.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. My eyebrows lowered, and I frowned.
“So what you’re saying is, you loved her so much that you staged a wedding so that she could elope with her lover.” Gilbert hesitated answering, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness.
“Essentially...yes. Bu-”
“Why are you telling me this now? Or at all for that that matter?”
“I was just trying to explain that! Man you make this really hard.”
“Sorry. You can continue.”
“Anyway, what I was trying to say before is...You were the one that stood beside me throughout all of this, while I knew Eliza didn’t give a shit less. You had to watch me get married to Eliza. Even though that never happened, that must have been such an awful feeling to bear. But to be honest, I had doubts about the whole thing.”
“Gilbert, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for that. I’d already forgiven you for that before you even realized any harm had been done.” Gilbert grumbled, giving my hands a small squeeze.
“No, I do. You’re not listening. I had doubts about the wedding because...Before I realized, I had fallen for you. I know that saying this now isn’t fair to you, after all of that. I wasn’t confident enough in how I felt to tell you. But now I know for sure. Eliza isn’t the one I’m in love with. Maybe at first, but the more time I spent with you I had fallen in love with you before I knew it.” My eyes widened in complete shock, my heart threatening to bloom once again in an affectionate brilliance. But it wasn’t enough to set it alight again. There was still too much dull emotion cracking its insides, too much hurt still not recovered. Even still, I felt a deep red blush creep across my face before I knew it.
“G-Gilbert...I can’t..Say anything to that.” I wasn’t sure, but I nearly thought I heard a whimper from him. “After that wedding, my heart just sort of...grew dismal. I don’t feel that way towards you anymore. I can’t.” The look on Gilbert’s face was one of absolute hurt and betrayal, and I knew he would get that exact look on his face. I saw the same look on his wedding day.
“Please...I’m so sorry I did this to you. I know I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than me, but I can’t help but be in love with you. You felt the same way, right?” I pulled my hands away from his, and looked away from him.
“I forgave you for that, but that doesn’t mean I will just automatically be in love with you again. That’s not how it works.” Gilbert understood my feelings, but I knew he didn’t want to.
“I know...But that means there’s a chance, right?”
“What?”
“You said that you forgave me, but me confessing won’t magically make your feelings return for me, right? So, like I should have done in the first place, I’ll earn them back! I’ll earn back your feelings. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of you. But if you don’t even want me to try, then I’ll understand.” The tone of his voice nearly broke my heart all over again. He was trying so hard for me, and here I was basically casting him away. With a brisk sigh, I looked at Gilbert.
“...Okay, listen. You were worthy before, alright? You and I both know that we can’t help the way we feel. Maybe it will just take more time for my heart to heal, I don’t know. But for now, can we just stay friends?” Gilbert stuck his own hands in his pockets, knowing that there wasn’t anything he could do to change my mind. But maybe some day he could.
“Yeah, of course. Did you at least like the fireflies?” I smiled, glancing back to the scattered lightning bugs flittering across the stars.
“I think this is one of the best sights I’ve seen in a long while.”
I hope that these little excerpts aren't too terrible!! ;;
